Where have I been?

In discouragement land, but this time it's out of my control. I have been unable to workout since the middle of November due to an extremely sick kidney. After almost 2 weeks of high fever and increasing pain, it was discovered I had 2 abscesses in my kidney that required a month of drainage. The tubes were taken out beginning of January and I was to give the kidney a month to recover before the Uro. would pulverize the kidney stone causing the grief. Fast forward to my appt. @ the beginning of February and the CT scan shows...yep, an abscess in my kidney. So now I'm on a month of antibiotics which I really hope makes it go away because if not, we're looking at a surgery that would require 9+ days in the hospital.

In this whole process, I am unable to workout although I can take the inactivity no longer and have begun to do a few light exercises that don't hurt. But nothing full blown like I want and need to keep on track for my 1/1/11 goal.

So, I'm grieving the loss of my goal. I will still reach my goal, but the timing will be different and I have to accept that and move on. If I don't accept it, when the time comes when I can get back to working out, I won't go back to it because I'm not going to reach my "goal". I'm in the process of learning that sometimes we have to be flexible and change our goals and that's ok, it doesn't mean failure as long as I keep trying the best I can at any given time. It's just hard to let go sometimes.

I realize I'm talking in circles, but this is big for me. My past experiences with unreached goals ,whether from my fault or circumstances beyond my control, has been to quit. I've always looked at it as I failed, I'll just fail again so why bother? But, I'm only going to fail if I don't keep going. So I'm letting go of my 1/1/11 reaching of my goal and saying that my new goal is to reach my desired weight in 2011 sometime (depending on when I get healthy again). In the meantime, I'm going to do what I can with what is in my control...mainly eating. I'm not going to do my phases as I don't want to possibly stress my kidney, but I am making healthier choices and sticking pretty much to water for drinking. I may not lose, but I also don't have to gain. :o)

I'll keep you all posted. I can't wait to rock the circuit again!!!