True Confessions of a Food Addict

Alright, if you read my last post, I said I was fighting food cravings and would just go to bed if they got too bad...well, yeah, I didn't do that. Instead, I proceeded to go to the freezer, pull out the 3lb tub of chocolate chunk cookie dough, nuke it to soften it and then eat until I could eat no more. And of course the voices in my head were battling between justifying like mad and talking me out of it. "It will be your 1st slip...Don't let this be your 1st slip." "You've done so good, you deserve it...You've done so good, you deserve to continue to be healthier." "You had a bad day, a little reward would be good for you...You had a bad day, but don't turn to food again to drug yourself into numbness, face it head on." etc. I'm ashamed to say that the justifying voices won out in the end. And after the deed was done, "YOU know you did it, but you don't really have to tell anyone else."

So, I messed up. And I know what happens when I mess up and then hide it...it becomes easier and easier to mess up again and again (and just hide it from everyone and pretend life is good and pretend that I, and not food, am in control of my life) and pretty soon I'm right back where I started and I've worked too hard for that. In order to put a stop to it right now, I'm not hiding it, I'm confessing. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not fooling myself into thinking I'm never going to mess up again, because I'm pretty sure I will. I'm far from perfect. This is a long journey ahead of me and every choice I make will not be the right one. But I can continue to get better and as I do, more and more of my choices will be the right one.

Was it worth it...no. Right now it's almost 1am, I'm on a sugar high (which by the way, after not having a whole lot of carbs for 2 months, happens really quick) and I feel sick. I could really beat myself up over this, but I will only allow myself a little slap in the face. Because beating myself up over a mistake only makes me feel worthless and a failure which then makes it easier to turn to food since I failed anyway and we start the cycle over again.

So here's my little slap:

The past 2 months have been so great! My head has been clearer, I have more energy and I feel in control of my life. I'm not going to throw that away for anymore cookie dough.

Thanks for reading this far if you made it. Tomorrow (or later today) is another day where I'll be faced with many more choices. I pray that I make the right ones.